Pain. Money. Jobs. And to top it off family I didn't know were still living.

Pain. I like pain. I like to feel pain and lots of it. Pain is what makes us human...without pain I would be even more lost then I am right now. I really really enjoy pain. I like cutting myself, and sometimes I like to torture myself. I think about different ways to hurt myself a lot. I'm getting better at containing myself, but sooner or later I'm going to snap.

I'm officially tumor free as of yesterday.

Money. I payed some medical bills today. My funds are pretty much unlimited so I can hurt myself whenever and pretty much however I want to. I have $276,376.58 in the bank and around three thousand at home. It helps to support my somewhat reckless habits.

Jobs. I currently have three jobs, artist, paramedic, and I occasionally rent myself.

I think you know enough about my job as an artist.

I'm starting work as a paramedic this Saturday.

Normally when I get rented it's for sex but other times it's for...okay yeh it's pretty much just for sex.

Today I got rented by an 64 year old lady. She wanted a fantasy to be fulfilled. So I accepted her offer and got to work. She wanted me to be tied up unclothed and have ice cubes all over my body. Sounded easy enough to me... especially since I can't feel cold.

So I undressed and she tied me up. I forgot to tell her where to get the ice cubes. So I untied myself and put my pants back on so I could go get some. There is an ice machine downstairs in my apartment building.

I grabbed the bucket and got in the elevator...which barely works. There aren't any stairs that you can walk on due to construction. So I went down one floor and a young lady joined me in the elevator. She kept looking at me. I suppose it was because I didn't have a shirt on. I'm not sure what the big deal is with people.

RRRRRRRRKKKK....CRASH...WHRRRRR.

The elevator was stuck.

"Great." She said.

"Are you new in this building?" I asked her.

"Yeah I just moved in today."

"I'm Gabriel."

"I'm Jasmine."

I was thinking about taking advantage of the situation and perhaps 'welcome' the new girl, but then I remembered I had a renter upstairs.

"Well Jasmine do you by any chance have a pen?"

She gave me a what the hell are you going to do with a pen look (yeh that look). After a couple seconds of digging in her seemingly bottomless purse she pulled one out.

"Yeh, here you go."

She handed me the pen. I pulled the inner doors apart and pushed on the latch mechanism with the pen and the doors opened up. I pressed the stop button. We were stuck in between floors but there was enough room to get out. So I crawled out and gave her a hand getting out.

"Where did you learn to do that?"

"I've lived here quite awhile."

"Well maybe sometime you could teach me a few tricks." She flirted. "I'm in room 23."

Then she kissed me and walked away.

I rubbed the lipstick off and got the ice.

"Now to get back up."

I walked outside and climbed the up the fire escape to my room. I put the bucket beside my bed.

She was still here...I suppose she can't leave what with the elevator breaking down. So I undressed again and she tied me up. I was covered in ice and she just sat there watching me. I was a bit creeped out. The ice was slowly melting.

Then she got really close to me and felt one of my many scars. She kept running her fingers up and down my scars. It hurt a lot but I greeted the pain. I grinned devilishly.

"I knew you were him." She said. She untied me.

"And who am I?" I asked. My voice sounded weird.

"My grandson." She replied.

"What's my name?" I played along. I put my pants back on.

"Gabriel. You've changed your last name so many times I'm not sure which one you go by...I think you're going by Jaro now."

"What do you want with him?" This was getting awkward and weird.

"I just wanted to see him."

"And somehow you thought renting him was the best way to do it?" I grabbed the coffee on the bedside table and drank some.

"I wasn't sure it was him."

"And how do you know I'm him?"

"You have the mark."

"And what mark might that be?"

"The birthmark on your stomach."

I have a birthmark that looks like the Red Cross logo and another one on my foot that looks like a swastika.

"So I have a birthmark big deal. That doesn't prove anything."

"How about this?" She handed me a picture.

She is my grandma. I thought that she died...that's why I went into foster care.

"So what do you want?"

"Like I said I just wanted to see you."

"Why?"

"Because I miss you." She started crying.

What the hell is going on around here.

"Okay so you've seen me. Now what?"

"Now we talk." She wiped away her tears.

I really wasn't sure what to say.

"Where do you work?"

As if it wasn't obvious...hmm easel in the living room paint supplies everywhere paintings scattered all over...where on earth could he work?

"I'm an artist."

This was not cool not cool at all. People think they can just waltz into my life and pretend they give a damn. It's down right aggravating. I clenched my fists to keep my anger in check.

"Any family?"

"Just me and my foster families."

"Any girlfriends?"

Oh here we go...a chance to cause more tears and shit.

"Nope. I have a boyfriend though."

She didn't react the way I thought she would. She just smiled at me. I was considering putting my shirt back on, but in this situation I just felt better without it. I wondered what to say next. I walked to the fridge. Shit we're out of beer or any other kind of alcoholic beverage for that matter.

"Can I interest you in a beverage? We have mustard, water and milk."

"Water's fine."

I think you've had plenty of mustard...I smirked at the thought...inside joke...I think? Maybe you'll understand...if you do you either know me too well or you're smarter then the average bear. I've got an idea though if you think you understand this joke post your ideas in the comment box thingy that's way down at the bottom of this extremely long and dull entry.

I looked in the cupboard for a cup or a mug...nothing.

"Bowl or plate?"

"Bowl."

So I got her a bowl full of water. I'm not sure where all the cups went. I didn't think she deserved a cup anyway.

I laid down on the couch.

"So Gabriel how long have you been addicted?"

"Excuse me?"

"How long have you been a sex addict?"

This was just plain old intrusive.

"Since I was ten so about thirteen years."

I soooo badly wanted to kick her out.

"Your mom would be proud."

"I'm sure she would be." I wasn't sure where that came from or which thing she was supposed to be proud of but at this point I didn't really care.

I loved my mom but I hated her too...it was a complex relationship. My mommy issues are one of those to be continued things...so maybe another time I shall explain this dynamic relationship. Maybe...tomorrow?

"I have to go." She said abruptly."Here's my card."

Huh...Mrs. Huntley.

"Bye." I said.

She walked out the door. I remembered the elevator wasn't working.

"Hey, the elevator isn't working so you'll have to go down the fire escape."

She came back to my room and crawled down the fire escape. I imagine it looks a lot like Santa crawling down the chimney...but of course I wouldn't know what that looks like.

I had three more renters today.

Girl A. Wanted me to lick cool whip and chocolate syrup off her.

Girl B. Wanted me to pretend I was a cop who was punishing her with sex for breaking the law...this one seems WAY TOO COMMON (it's right up there with the firefighter trying to put out the girl who's 'on fire')

Girl C. Just wanted sex with no strings attached.

No gay or bisexual dudes today.

I'm just glad Daniel doesn't mind me having sex with random strangers even if he did mind I still would do it just because I want to.

We'll see if I put that in tomorrow's entry or not...I'm betting not...but maybe.

Good morning...it's fucking four o'clock and I can't get to sleep worth a damn I tried the exercises but nothing seems to work. I just called Kevin but of course I didn't get an answer. I am soooo fucking tired. My eyes are really heavy...but I can't close them. I wish I could. I took my sleeping meds and they did absolutely nothing. Then when I do get to sleep I'll wake up miles away.

Good morning...

Gabriel Jaro.

That's about it.