I like bus rides.

"Is this seat taken?" The mom had asked.

"Nope."

They got comfortable and I sat there probably staring at them on accident.

"I am Gabriel, and who might you be?"

"My name is Kali and I'm dis many." She held up six fingers waving them for effect.

"Is that your mommy?" I pointed at the woman next to her who seemed a bit preoccupied with a magazine.

"Yep. Dats her alright. She's like dis many." She held up all ten fingers dramatically.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm naut willy sure."

"You'll know when you get there right?"

"I suppose so."

The mom directed her attention to Kali, plopping her in her lap and playing with her hair.

"Where are you going mister?"

"I am going to visit my half brother and my stepmother."

"Waz a half brother?"

"It means we both have the same father but not the same mother."

This is the reason I like talking to children they're so full of curiosity.

"And waz a stepping mother?"

"Stepmother," I corrected, "It means that she's not my blood mother."

"What's a blood mother?"

The mother must have thought that the child was bothering me or being nosy or something.

"Kali why don't you leave this nice man alone."

She looked at me apologetically.

"It's no trouble, really."

I smiled...sort of...maybe it was more of a grin...idk.

"Why does your head look like that?"

"Look at that tree!" The mom tried to distract her.

"My head was broken so the doctors fixed it." I tried not to get into too much detail.

"Oh." She reached up to touch it.

"Kali did you ask?" She looked a bit perturbed.

Kali sank into her seat. "No." She got really close to my face with pleading eyes blinking rapidly, "May I?"

"Yes you may."

It was hard for me to think of her as a six year old. Sure she didn't understand the principals of personal space but she sure as hell knew how to talk.

"You don't have to humor her." The mother said, "If she gets too annoying just let me know." She patted her handbag. "I brought sleeping pills."

I couldn't tell if she meant I would be the one ingesting them or if she was speaking of her child.

"She is no bother." I stated plainly, "If anything she is humoring me."

She smiled at that. Meaning I hadn't crossed a line in the social graces.

I sat perfectly still while Kali hopped in my lap, inspecting my head wound.

"Do you have any kids?"

"Nope." I didn't exactly want to get into it.

"I'm Joanna by the way."

"I'm Gabriel." I would've offered her a handshake but I didn't want her to see the cuts on my hands.

"Nice to meet you Gabriel."

Kali finished her examination of my skull. She glanced at me then at her mom and then back at me as if each time she looked she saw something new. She crawled back to her seat and looked at me curiously.

"Hey mister!" She said a little louder then I would've liked.

"Yes?"

"Do you have any superpowers?"

Joanna chuckled at that.

"I do have one superpower...."

"What is it?! What is it?!" She clambered onto my lap again.

"Shhh...we don't want any villains to hear us, do we?" I whispered.

"No." She whispered back.

"I have intuitive aptitude."

Joanna raised an eyebrow, but before she could say anything Kali piped up.

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"It means I understand things without prior knowledge."

"What like a psychic?" Joanna asked, a sound of disbelief in her voice.

"Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Well it's not usually about people, but if you wish for a demonstration I could use you as an example."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"I'm all for it."

"Are you sure?" She nodded, "I have a tendency to be a bit personal with these things."

"What's Mister Gabriel gonna do?" Kali asked, clearly confused.

"I am going to tell you about your mother."

"I know plenty 'bout her."

"Well then who do you wish to know more about?"

"Daddy." She whispered directly in my ear canal.

"I have not made any contact with your father." I stated, "Therefore it is out of the question."

"Daddy is dead." She said solemnly.

"My father is dead as well."

"What happened to him?" Joanna asked, she was clearly intrigued.

"I shot him." That was it. Who knew three words could feel so sharp.

They were both staring at me now.

"He wasn't a very nice man." As if that explained everything.

"What did he do?" Kali asked, curious as ever.

"He wasn't very nice to me."

"Why not?"

"He didn't like me."

"Why didn't he like you?"

"Because I cried."

Johanna seemed to be following.

"Why were you crying?"

"Because I was hurt."

"How did you get hurt?"

I noticed her mother made no attempt to stop the interrogation because she was now busy on the phone.

I tried to come up with a better way to word it. I couldn't think of anything so instead I rolled up my sleeve a little bit. Revealing some scars...none of which were too bad.

Her mouth was wide open.

Her mom had gotten off the phone and she looked at us both.

I felt sick.

"Excuse me." I bolted out of the row, down the aisle to the bathroom.

I couldn't fight the attack any longer. I gripped the sink and hurled. I would hate to be the guy who has to clean that up.

Shaking and puking. Puking and shaking. After awhile I had nothing left to launch from the pit of my stomach. And after a few dry heaves I drank some water and returned to my seat.

I hadn't noticed my shirt was that disgusting until Joanna pointed it out.

"Are you alright?"

"I...I-I am...fine." My hands were still trembling.

"You might want to change."

"Why?" I looked down at my shirt..."oh."

"It looks bisgrusting." Kali added.

"Disgusting." I corrected. "And you're right I probably should get something more presentable on."

I opened the overhead compartment, unzipped my bag, and removed a t-shirt. The line for the bathroom was extensive so I just pretended to be puking and made it to the front in no time. When I got in I threw up the remains of my stomach (the water I had just drank in other words) and changed. The puke was still in the sink so I thought I should notify someone. I exited and told the dude sitting next to the driver about it. He said it would be cleaned up at the next stop. I thanked him and headed back to my row.

I made it back to my seat. Squeezed past Joanna and Kali and sat down.

"What's dat?" Kali pointed at my shirt.

Shit. I put on the wrong shirt. My shirt had the number 56 on the back and one blue ribbon splattered on the front. I only wore this shirt on laundry day while I washed my decent clothes. How could I be so dumb.

"That's a ribbon." I said in hopes that she would dismiss it.

"What's it for?"

Joanna must have noticed my tightening grip on the armrest and the look of terror I was projecting.

"Why don't you le-"

"The number on the back is for every time I can remember." I said almost robotically.

"Remember what?" Joanna asked.

"My father...," I couldn't think of a way to put it that was age appropriate. "Every time he... he...wasn't nice." Every word was carefully picked out of my vocabulary so Kali would understand.

"He must've been a nasty man."

"Kali!" Joanna was not happy.

I ignored her. "That he was."

Kali had settled down in my lap again.

"Why was he so nasty?" She said quietly.

"My mom died." I whispered,"He loved her."

She had curled up in my lap and was falling asleep.

"How'd she die?" Her voice draining.

"I...I don't know." I whispered.

"She was nice, right?"

"Yes, she was nice."

"That's good." She wrapped her arms around my neck and fell asleep.

A few minutes went by.

"Shit." I said under my breath.

"What?" Joanna asked.

"I forgot my pills. Can you grab them for me?"

"Sure. Where are they?"

"Inside my messenger bag there should be a white bag labeled MEDS."

"Ok." She pulled out the bag.

"Inside it there should be a bag labeled 21869."

"21869?"

"Yes, did you find it?"

"Yep I got it."

"There should be a bottle labeled Anti-91872."

"Man alive you got a lot of pills."

"And a lot of problems to go with them." I said jokingly.

"I don't see it anywhere."

"Here," I extended my arm. Careful not to disturb Kali. "Hand me the bag."

She gave me the bag and after a minute of looking I found it.

"See it was right next to the Thorazine."

"What's all this for anyways?" She was still in awe of all my medicine.

"Lots of things."

"Such as?"

"The usual stuff," I began rattling some off, "Depression, anxiety, insomnia, sleepwalking, high blood pressure, asthma...the usual."

"You have all that stuff?"

"That's the more common stuff that I have."

"What's the less common stuff?"

"Aggressive behavior, hallucinations, panic attacks, PTSD, schizophrenia..." I trailed off after noticing she was staring at something in the distance.

"What are you thinking?" I whispered so I wouldn't scare her.

"I was just wondering." She seemed too ashamed to ask. "What did he do to you?"

"He...um..." I made absolutely sure that Kali was asleep. Because actions speak louder then words I rolled up the sleeves on my sweater.

She didn't say anything for awhile. She dragged her fingers lightly against the scars.

I kind of liked it.

"How?" She seemed lost in the thought of it.

"The belt mostly, sometimes a whip or a knife, the worst was the knife." I stayed quiet, trying to take in the feeling of her touch.

"Want to see more?"

"Yes."

My back is the worst but taking off my shirt wasn't going to work with Kali on my lap.

"I can't show you here."

"Do you want to see mine?"

I was surprised to find that she had been abused as well. I nodded.

"Y-yes." I stuttered.

She moved Kali back to her seat, wrapped a blanket around her, and grabbed my hand.

The puke was still there even though we had stopped twice.

"Well are you going to show me or not?"

I pulled off my shirt. Revealing deeper scars then the ones on my arms.

"I like it." She ran her fingers across the creases.

"I-I..I..do not."

She pulled off her shirt. Her scars were not nearly as deep or as many but on the inside I'm sure she is just as scared.

"D-do yyou lllike yours?"

She smiled at my stutter.

"No just other people's."

"Wwwas it yyour father?"

"Brother actually." She was calm and quiet.

"Sssorry."

I stood behind her and I was about to touch hers when she spoke again.

"Do you have anymore?"

"A few."

I ran my fingers along the coarse skin gently.

"Mind if I see them?" I could tell where this was going.

"I-I...I can't."

"Why not?" She frowned, clearly disappointed.

"My kid died."

She grabbed my arm and turned to look at me.

"I'm sorry, Gabriel." She looked embarrassed.

And in that moment she reminded me so much of my sister, Eden.

"You're just like her." I stated.

"Like who?"

"My sister." Silence. "She's dead now."

"How did she die?"

"I...I think he killed her."

"Your dad?"

"Yes." I thought about it, "I almost saved her."

"You tried."

"As if that makes everything better."

I stood by the sink. Gripping the rim, needing some sort of outlet for my rage. Anything to keep myself under control. I don't like people seeing me like this.

"Are you going to be okay?"

She touched my arm.

I flashed back to my mother.

She laid on the floor in the living room. Blood spilling in a stream from her mouth. Some more blood gushed out of her side into a vast ocean amidst the streams that were trickling from everywhere. I could see the life seeping out of her. She was almost gone. I leaned over her.

"Gabriel." She grabbed my arm. "I am...I'm disappointed in you." She sputtered.

Her eyes glazed over. And death consumed her.

I was back in the bathroom.

"Gabriel?" She was waving her arms in front of me and snapping her fingers. I blinked.

"Where did you go?"

"Hell."

Somewhere during this she had put her shirt back on.

"What happened?"

"My moms last words were, 'Gabriel I'm disappointed in you.'" I held this new piece of information close.

"Wow. And she's the nice one?"

"Yes."

"My mom would never say something like that."

"She was probably either drunk or high."

"Still, no one should say shit like that."

"Agreed."

I was on the verge of an attack. My arms trembled.

She noticed.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Nnnot rreally." I fell on the floor. Shaking. She sat down beside me.

"I nnneed my phone."

"Where is it?"

"Nnever mind." It was in my back pocket.

I pulled it out. My hands were too shaky to dial.

"Cccall Lyla." I told the phone.

"Voice not recognized."

I gathered my energy.

"Call Lyla."

"Calling Lyla."

"Who's Lyla?"

"My therapist."

"You have a shrink?" She said in disbelief.

Before I could answer Lyla picked up.

"Hey Gabriel. What's up?" I put it on speakerphone.

"I...I rrremeber something."

"Good, what is it?"

"Before mmy mother died," I gathered the strength needed to continue. "Sshe said something to me."

"What did she say?"

I was breathing heavily.

"'Gabriel I'm disappointed in you.'"

"What initiated the flashback?"

"Ssomeone touched my arm."

"Is she cute?" She teased.

"Very funny." I was not amused.

"Are you alright?"

"Nnnot rreally."

"How many?"

"Since I left there's been five."

"Holy shit! Have you been meditating?"

"Where am I supposed to do that?"

Someone was banging on the door.

"You almost done in there?!?"

"Do you wwant me to throw up on you?" Was my reply, and imagine that, the knocking stopped.

Joanna just sat there.

"Where are you?" Lyla asked.

"The only semiprivate place on a bus."

"The bathroom." There was a questioning tone.

"Yes."

"Is she with you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"She is isn't she?" She was enjoying this a little too much.

"Yes." I said defeatedly.

"I want you to go back to your seat take two more pills and try to meditate."

"Okay."

"Oh and Gabriel."

"What?"

"Have fun at your dumbass brother's house."

"Oh I'll try."

"It's hard to believe you two are related."

"I am aware of this."

She hung up.

I stood up to leave and then the realization that Joanna had been sitting there the whole time hit me.

"Shall we go?"

"You might want this." She tossed me my shirt.

"Thanks." I slipped it on and opened the door.

"Oh I see how it is." Said a black dude who I assume had been banging on the door minutes before. "Shacking up in the bathroom."

"Actually, I was having a panic attack." I retorted. "And I left you a nice surprise in the sink."

He looked in the sink. "That's messed up dude."

"N-no need to thank me."

I grabbed my pills and sat down, Joanna close behind.

"How long have you known Lyla?"

"I've been living at her house since I was thirteen I think." I said uncertain. "I moved back in about a month ago." That sounded kind of sick.

"Wwe are jjust friends."

"Sure you are."

"What?" I asked sheepishly.

"You like her."

"So? She's my friend of course I like her."

"You LIKE her."

I see.

"She's the only friend I have at the moment and I'd rather she continue to be my friend then to screw everything up and try to be more then friends."

"I'm just saying you like her."

"Whatever."

I corrected my posture and began meditating.

"What are you doing?" She disrupted my train of thought. "You look as stiff as a board."

"It's actually quite comfortable."

She mimicked my posture.

"This is anything but comfortable."

She wasn't doing it right at all.

"You are not doing it correctly." I leaned towards her. "Your hands should be resting face up on your knees." I readjusted her hands. "And your back needs to be straight. Not slouched into a little heap." She straightened her back. "Look straight ahead." She looked ahead. "Isn't that comfortable?"

"No not really."

"There's definitely something wrong with you."

"Well I don't have to take a million pills."

"Twenty-two." I said plainly. Blank expression. I zoned.

"Gabriel?" She shook me.

"What? What's going on?"

"Do you need to call her again?"

"N-no." I stuttered. "I should be f-fine."

"Good."

"I am going to meditate now."

"Okay."

I had a brief flashback.

"No. Please don't. Please don't do it again...it hurts." Tears welled up in my eyes as he sliced me again.

I was back, crying.

"Are you sure you don't want to call her?"

I nodded.

"Are we almost there?" Kali asked. She was still partially sleeping.

"Not quite sweety."

"I'm tired."

"Do you want to sit by the window?" I asked.

"Yes." It had sparked interest in her.

I stood up, she crawled into my seat, and I sat down in hers.

"Now get some sleep." I said quietly.

"Goodnight mister Gabriel."

"Rom mu-yor Kali."

Kali had drifted off to sleep again.

"What does rom mayor mean?"

"It means goodnight in Vulcan."

"You speak Vulcan?" She said in disbelief.

"Some."

"Huh."

"What?"

"I just didn't peg you as the nerdy type."

"I prefer the term geek." I said seriously.

She burst out laughing.

"Wwwhat's so funny?"

I trembled.

"You are."

"Wwhy?"

I was tensing up.

"It's cute."

Now that was embarrassing.

I was shaking miserably.

"It's okay Gabriel, it's just a joke."

"But I do nnnot understand."

I curled up in an attempt to get the shaking under control.

"Can you grab a granola bar from my backpack? You can have one if you want but I have to warn you they taste like cardboard because they don't have any sugar. And there's some 'special ingredient' to calm me down in it." I was talking too fast and my words sloshed together in a tidal wave of speech patterns.

"Do you just want one?" She asked.

"That should do the trick. Ttthank you."

"Anytime."

I struggled with the wrapper.

"Need some help with that?"

"Sadly yes."

"These wrappers can be a pain in the ass at times." She said.

She pulled it apart so easily it made my attempt look pathetic, even a bit girly.

"There you go."

"Thanks." I ate it and once again tried to meditate.

Some time had passed

"Stop looking at me like that, meditation is completely normal."

"You look so calm."

"I am." I stated, "I would be even more calm if you would stop looking at me that way."

"I can't help it. You just look like a baby sleeping."

"I would rather not be compared to a mere child."

"See what I mean. You're hysterical." She laughed.

"I am nothing of the sort." My arms were shaking.

"Gabriel, calm down."

I was breathing heavily.

"I-I cannot."

"Waz going on?" Kali asked, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"Go back to sleep kiddo."

"I will...I'll be back."

I almost made it to the bathroom...almost. I puked on the person in the row over.

"I-I'm....I'm sssorry." I fell. Trembling. Trying to pull it together, at least long enough to get to the bathroom.

"Sir? Sir! Are you alright?!" The guy next to the bus driver yelled.

"I-I'll be ok."

"Sir, you need to get back in your seat."

I tried to get up. Failed miserably. The guy I puked on got up and helped me back to my seat.

"You can take one of my shirts if you want." I offered.

"No thanks. You just get better. You hear?"

"I'll try."

"You do that."

He went to the bathroom, to wash off I'm assuming.

I was so embarrassed.

I turned and kissed Joanna gently on the forehead.

"That helped."

"I'm glad I could be of service." She said sarcastically.

"I'm glad as well."

A prolonged silence lingered.

"I should check in." I pulled out my phone.

"It's a tight ship back home isn't it?"

"She's concerned that I...that I may be..." I couldn't put it into words. "Dangerous."

"You don't seem dangerous to me.

"You don't know me."

"This is true."

"The reality is deafening."

"How so?"

"You have seen how many panic attacks already??"

"So?"

"So? So it's kind of a big deal."

"Why?"

She clearly didn't understand the walls that I build around myself are not to be tampered with.

"Because I don't like people seeing me crazy."

"You didn't seem crazy to me. Just frustrated."

"I don't like to be."

"No shit."

"Wwhat?" Hands trembling. I needed to meditate.

I was flashing back and forth through my nightmares and my reality.

"Shhhh..." I whispered holding a finger to my lips. "Don't say a word. Daddy promises not to beat you if you're good and quiet." I said in a whisper. I leaned on Joanna's shoulder. Trying so hard not to cry.

I laid on her shoulder trying to concentrate.

"Gabriel?" She whispered.

"What?" I whispered back, eyes still shut.

She put her hand to my forehead.

"You're warm."

"My average body temperature is 101.2."

"Seriously?" She didn't believe me.

"Yes."

I sat up straight, dug through my bag, and pulled out a thermometer.

"Sheesh, you got enough stuff in there?

"One can never be too prepared."

I stuck the thermometer in my mouth and positioned it under my tongue.

'Beep beep beep!'

"What is it?"

"It's 94.3."

I put the thermometer away and pulled out a notebook.

"Is that good?"

"It is most definitely not."

"Do you need medicine? I think I might have aspirin in my bag."

"I'm fine, really."

I began writing down the time of day, what I was doing, my current health status, where I was, and who I was with.

"What're you doing?" Kali had woken up.

"I'm writing."

"Are you a writer?"

She tried to make sense of my scribbling and like most six-year-olds she couldn't.

"No."

"What do you do then?"

"I'm kind of in between jobs right now." She didn't understand. "I am an artist."

"Do you draw lots?"

"Of course I do." I reached into my bag and pulled out one of my flip books.

"Wow!" She took it from me and started turning the pages.

"You're really good." Joanna said in awe of a zebra drawing I had scribbled down at a KFC.

"I am aware of that." I said monotonously.

"What's your other job?"

"Other job?"

"You said you were in between jobs." Joanna explained.

"I-I do not have another job." I gathered my thoughts, "I was a paramedic."

"What happened?" She touched my shoulder lightly.

"Nn-no. Please don't hurt her...I-I love her."

He pushed her to the ground. She fell backwards, cowering in the corner.

"You can't be loved." He said, approaching me.

He grabbed me by the shoulder and shoved me into the bathtub. I caught one last breath before I went under.

I woke up.

"He doesn't love you." My father was in the other room with my sister.

The voice was barely audible with all the water sloshing around in my ear canal.

"And no one will ever love him."

I crept silently towards the room.

"Let go of me!!" She screamed. "Dexter!!!"

"He's not going to save you." My father said, "He can't be loved. No one will love him EVER!" He forced her onto the bed.

That was it.

The memories that have been suppressed for so long were rising to the surface with a simple touch. The only other person who gives me this many flashbacks is Lyla.

I was crying. Curled up against Joanna. She rested her head in my hair.

I wasn't going to call Lyla. She would just make fun of me because I like someone enough that they give me flashbacks of my sister.

"Why don't you call her?"

I thought for a moment.

"She knows I like you." I hoped I hadn't said anything that would screw things up.

"So?"

"So my flashback makes it more apparent."

"What did you see?"

"My sister." She clearly didn't get it. "I only see my sister when...when I...really like someone." I was embarrassed.

"Call her." It sounded like a command, and I knew better then to argue.

I grabbed my phone and dialed Lyla's number.

"You again."

"Yes."

"What's the problem now?" She said, annoyed.

I didn't want to be a problem.

"I-I...never mind." I wasn't feeling up for an argument.

"Gabriel!"

I hung up.

The last time I hung up on her was when I wanted to go on the roof with her. The roof is one of my favorite spots on this dull planet known as earth. I have never let anyone else up there with me. It was a two hour drive from where she was so she couldn't come. I jumped. It was invigorating. Regardless of the fact that there was a bunch of mattresses at the bottom. Lyla had laid those out 'just in case I fell'. I knew the real reason she put them out. I was suicidal.

My phone went off.

It was Lyla.

"Wwhat do y-you want?" I said angrily.

"What happened?"

"Never mind."

"Come on Gabriel, you can trust me."

I went back to the scene, relaying the facts in my mind.

"I had a flashback." I paused, "It was about my sister."

Her tone grew serious. She knew that my flashbacks with her weren't usually pleasant, "What happened?"

"He...he killed her." I caught my breath, "She should be alive. I could've stopped him."

"Don't blame yourself."

"But it was my fault!" I shouted.

"Gabriel, you need to calm down."

I slowed my breathing.

"How did this happen?" I have always admired her for always being in control, for always being so calm.

I couldn't focus on the question, instead my mind wandered to what he said. It was true. All too true. I can't be loved, but Eden sure as hell could've been.

"Ever."

"What?" She was confused, and rightfully so.

"It was a mistake."

"What was a mistake?"

"Me."

"You can't keep blaming yourself."

"I can and I will."

"Why?" She didn't understand. She probably never would.

"Because I can't be loved."

"Since when?" She said in disbelief.

"She could be alive with a nice family, and I could be the one lying dead underground."

She was still talking but I didn't bother to listen. I was too focused on the voices now flowing freely through my mind.

"You will never be loved EVER!"

"Why can't you be more like your brother?!"

"You should jump with me."

"Why don't you do the rest of the world a favor and die!"

"What does god say we should do?"

"Eden...is that you?"

"Faggot! Faggot! Gabriel is a faggot!" Their taunting voices encompassed me.

"Fight fight fight fight!" Chanting the doom of the lesser man.

"I-I have this condition."

"I love you, but you're better off dead."

"I have a surprise for you."

"Your god can't save me. No one can."

"You're weak."

"Don't you dare cry! How many times do I have to tell you?! You useless piece of shit."

"He's a lost cause."

"You can't be loved."

"You're a poor excuse of a human being."

"Gabriel, do you care to share with us?"

I snapped out of it.

Would I care to share? Yes.

"I-I'm back." No reply. "Hello? Hello!?" She must've hung up.

"She hung up on me." I was still in shock.

"I don't blame her, she was waiting for quite some time for you to join reality again."

"How long was I..."

"About a half an hour."

"Shit." I said under my breath.

"I need to meditate now." I handed her my phone. "Only answer it if it's Janice, Samuel, or Lyla."

"Who's Janice?"

"My stepmother."

"So Samuel must be your half brother."

"That is correct."

She took the phone from my hand and I began meditating.

Thoughts rushed through my mind. Thoughts of people. Faceless people. Nameless people. People who were lost. No one could help them. They were too far gone. Everyone wandering aimlessly across the vast expanse of sand.

A memory came to mind. "Would anyone else like to share?" The man behind the podium had asked. I knew I needed to share in order to get a newcomers chip. "I would like to contribute." I stood up. "Well come on up then." He chuckled halfheartedly. He handed me the microphone and I stood in front of a crowd, using the podium as a shield. Great. There was a lot more people then usual. "What should I say?" I asked the man. "Why don't you start by telling us your name and something about yourself." A lady from the crowd hollered. "My name is Gabriel. I was abused by my father. He killed my sister and I killed him. It's been really confusing. Everything is messed up. Disorganized." I wondered if I should go on. No one seemed to think I was finished so I continued. "Thoughts flashing in my mind. Coming and going as they please. Nothing makes sense anymore. I forget simple things like showering, eating, brushing my teeth. In fact I don't think I ate anything today. I forget what color my hair is, my birthday, where I live, hell I even forget my name." I paused dramatically, "In the end he will win, he always does." That seemed to fulfill the crowds needs. They clapped as I handed the mic back to the man. He handed me my chip and I returned to my seat. "You aren't like the rest," a scantly dressed lady whispered to me as I sat down. "I know." I said monotonously.

Afterwards she invited me to go to the bar to get a drink. "I must decline," I had told her. "For I do not drink." It was the truth. I didn't drink because I knew what happened when I couldn't control myself. She wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Oh come on. One drink isn't going to kill you." I had started walking back to my apartment which was conveniently located 1.3 miles away. She was following me. "I'll buy." She added. She was obviously going to continue following me until I said yes. "In exchange for transportation to my apartment I shall accompany you to the bar." She looked at me funny, probably trying to comprehend what I had just said. "I'll come with you if you give me a lift home." I translated. "To the bar!" She shouted victoriously. I found her enthusiasm quite amusing.

"What exactly is this?" I swirled around a 'special' drink that she had said would 'take the edge off'. "It's heaven in a glass." She said, pleased with her choice. "So w-what's your n-name?" I tried to take my mind off the glass of...whatever it was. "I'm Jade." She said. "I-I'm Gabriel." I extended my arm for a handshake. "I think we're past that. Don't you?" I wasn't sure what that meant. "oh." Now was the time to take a casual swig. It was bitter and didn't have much flavor. "What do you think?" I'm fairly sure she was referring to the drink. "I do not know what to think." I said plainly, "It is...strange." I sniffed it. She laughed at that. "I do not wish to be poisoned." I explained. "Just drink it." She said. So I downed the whole thing, trying not to think too much about the bitter flavor. "W-what's your name again?" She was trying to contain her laughter. "Jade." "W-well Jade what do you wwant to do nnow?" I had the hiccups. She grabbed my tie playfully. She got really close to my face and whispered, "I want to know your secrets." I felt weird. "I d-don't have any." I really didn't. "Everybody has secrets." She licked her lips. "I-I do not." "You're not like the rest." "Is that a g-good thing?" I was curious as to what she meant. "Yes." A simple yes. Leaving me no variables to consider. "I-I..." I wasn't sure what to say. "Shhh." She put a finger to my lips. "Wwhat are we trying to hear?" I whispered through her fingers. She removed her hand.

"Let's go." She said abruptly. "W-where are we going?" I asked. "Someplace fun." She led me to her car and opened the door for me. "Y-you're quite the gentleman, aren't you?" I couldn't think straight. She sat in the front seat. "I suppose so." She laughed. "I like gentleman." I said. "You do?" She said jokingly. "Yes." I stated. "So do I." She started driving. "B-but you're a g-girl. G-girls normally like guys." She got it. "So that's your secret." She gloated, overjoyed that she had found out what I guess was supposed to be a secret. "What secret?" I was confused. "You're gay." She said still happy that she had figured something out. "I-I am not gay." I stood my ground. "Sure you aren't." She still thought she had something on me. "I'm just adaptive." I said seriously. "Adaptive?" She laughed at that. "Yes. Since I am in need of a friend it was logical to cultivate multiple options." I was still as serious as ever. "A friend?" She questioned my choice of words. "Yes, a friend. Although my last male friend was an idiot." "What'd he do?" She was still trying to squeeze something out of me. She reminded me of a cobra. "He kissed me." I remembered it all too well. "So?" She didn't get it. "He was supposed to be my friend." "What'd you do about it?" The cobra squeezed tightly around it's prey. "I kicked him out." "Wait a minute, you guys were living together?" She gaped at that. "Yes. Is that socially incorrect?" I stuck with my vocabulary despite the fact that I was drunk. "Yeah kind of." "Why?" I wasn't following. "It just is." She acted as though it was a fact of life. "W-what about you?" I asked in attempt to get the conversation off me. "What about me?" She asked. "Do you have any friends?" I said, answering a question with a question. "Of course I have friends." She acted as though it was natural to posses friends. "oh." I said, dropping the conversation. "What about you, you got any friends?" She wanted to continue on the topic. "Not that I am aware of." I replied. "That's too bad. You seem like a nice guy."

"Where are we venturing to?" I couldn't remember if she had told me or not. "What's your favorite place to go?" She apparently had been driving aimlessly the whole time. "A train." That was a secret. I had never EVER told anyone that. "Cool. Where's it at?" She had stumbled upon one of my secrets and she didn't even know it. "I shall program the GPS." This system was a lot more different then the ones I was used to, but I figured it out rather quickly. "That should do it."
"Why do you like this train?" She slithered into my personal life. "It's my home..." I trailed off. "You live in a train?" She didn't believe me. "I live in the train and I work in my apartment." I didn't get why this came as a shock. "Why don't you just live in your apartment?" She didn't understand my logic. "Because..." I figured I might as well tell her. "Because I don't want to hurt anyone."

I rejoined reality.

Meditation wasn't working for me, so I took some pills and fell asleep.

That was the ride there in a nutshell.


Saturday, March 30th, 2013.


Gabriel

Panic attacks

I have just got some really good news from the hospital (I had some brain scans done and stuff like that). And they said that my brain is starting to heal itself. This means that maybe I'll get my emotions back and I'll probably be acting like a crybaby all the time. Lyla made me get checked for a different problem as well (If this continues to be an issue I could possibly have to go to an institution). Which I do not wish to do. It's really complicated. Anyways.

Yesterday I was playing chess with Lyla and I had a panic attack. I left indents in the table and when the shaking became unbearable I fell off my chair and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door and dropped to the floor. I sat on the floor in a puddle of fresh vomit. I vomited for quite some time. The bathroom was a mess. I came out after the vomiting and shuddering had ceased. But when I sat down it started again. I sat in the corner shaking. She leaned down and held me. I'm assuming she thought it would help with the shaking. It did not. Although it did provide some measure of comfort.

"Is there something I can do to help?" She asked worry in her every word.

"S-stay." I didn't feel right asking her to stay. I'm sure she had better things to worry about then some mental case. To my surprise she stayed. I rested my head on her shoulder. I fell asleep and when I woke up I threw up on her. It was an accident of course.

We were both covered in my breakfast. I must not chew my food properly because it was really chunky (I know you were just dying to know that).

I didn't realize the intense grip I had on her arm until she touched my hand. I find it odd that she did not try to move sooner.

So she got up and went to her room to get changed. I sat on the floor shivering for what seemed to be an eternity. Then when it was less intense I stood up, and then threw up. I went to my room and laid down on the bed. The shivering had stopped. And I couldn't help but wonder what had caused the attack.

My panic attacks have been more frequent since I moved.

This post was supposed to have gone on here a couple of days ago, but I guess there was an error or something.