Take it out on me then!

Mood:  stressed

Foster stared out of the window at the pattering rain, watching the droplets streak down the glass as a roll of thunder crashed across the plains. It was strangely beautiful, but noisy, possibly too noisy for his companion. Dexter stirred restlessly in the bed behind him, so Foster turned to watch him instead, still asleep beneath the thin grey motel sheets. The curare made him drowsy and confused, but it was a necessary precaution, Gabriel had taken advantage of Foster's distraction a couple of times, taken over and attacked the nurse. The drugs had been Dexter's idea, faced with the possibility of Foster being too afraid to touch him he'd made an extreme decision. Foster wasn't happy about it, but he'd agreed it was the only way he could relax in Dexter's presence. The IV line trailed down to the watchmaker's left hand, cuffed by the wrist to the bed post, the valve taped in an open position because Foster learned from the doctor's mistakes. 

"What are you looking at?" Dexter asked quietly, slurring his words a little. Foster un-taped the IV valve and lowered the dosage before securing it again. As reassuring as it was to know Gabriel couldn't suddenly attack him, he didn't want Dexter doped out of his mind.

"You," he whispered, sliding into the bed beside the watchmaker. Dexter murmured softly and tried to move closer, but failed, the dosage had been too high. Curare was first and foremost a muscle relaxant; its affect on the brain chemistry of the specially-abled just a side effect in normal humans. The frustrated noise Dexter uttered made Foster grin, the watchmaker knew Foster wouldn't fuck him while he was unable to function, so they'd have to wait until the lower dosage took effect.

Want you…why won't you take me?

"Told you before, I'm not into necrophilia," Foster whispered, kissing Dexter gently. Dexter didn't respond, but that was possibly because he was unable to, so Foster didn't take offence, instead he started to lay a trail of kisses down Dexter's throat, listening to the watchmaker's breath catch in his chest.

Don't you want me?

"Stop it," Foster growled, biting Dexter's nipple. Dexter gasped with pleasure and managed to buck a little. "Once you can move we'll do it again, but you know I want you, not just your body," Foster whispered, "I want to feel you clutch at me, wrap these long legs around me, want you to do that thing you do with your ass while I'm inside you." He kissed Dexter again violently, felt the watchmaker struggle to respond. "I wish we didn't have to drug you at all," he whispered.

I've tried reasoning with Gabriel, it doesn't work…he doesn't seem rational when it comes to…us.

"He just wants you all to himself," replied Foster, jokingly. Dexter almost but not quite stiffened in his arms. "What? What did I say?"

Nothing…you just don't know how right you are…

"Do I want to know what you mean by that?" Foster asked gently, stroking the watchmaker's hair. Dexter moaned and nuzzled into him, clumsy and uncertain from the toxins still controlling his system.

No.

Foster left it; he'd learned from fucking Gabriel that there were some things he just did not want to know. Truth and openness were all very well in a relationship, as long as you were dating a normal person with only the standard closet skeletons. Gabriel and Dexter had a whole graveyard in their closet, and there were a number of things he just didn't need to hear. Searching for a subject to change to, he decided on a difficult topic he'd been considering for a while.

"Have you thought of seeing a psychiatrist?"

WHAT?

"I know a couple, I was thinking I could find someone…reliable, it might help…"

I'm not crazy, why would I need a psychiatrist?

Because you can't even accept that having two personalities makes you crazy, Foster thought, but he bit his tongue and didn't say the words. "I thought it might help bring Gabriel under control," he whispered instead.

What do you mean?

Breathing in deep, Foster wondered why he'd thought he could have this discussion. It was a difficult subject at the best of times, let alone when he'd made Dexter all defensive first. But part of him just wanted to get it over with. "Re-integration," he whispered, stroking his fingers across Dexter's hipbone. "Drugs and therapy, you could maybe pull Gabriel back into yourself, just be one person again."

Dexter stared at him with wide eyes, obviously thinking. But then what happens to Gabriel?

"Nothing, he becomes part of you again, like he was in the beginning."

So he wouldn't exist any more?

"He'd be part of you again, not separate…I guess he'd be gone, I never really thought that far…" Foster broke off, halted by the look of horror and disgust on Dexter's face.

That's murder.

"You're not serious?" Foster choked, but the look on Dexter's face showed that he definitely was. "Dexter, how many people has he killed? That's murder. Him becoming you again, that's just…becoming normal again."

I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL! I'M SPECIAL! HE'S SPECIAL!

"Shhh, Shhh, don't get upset," Foster kissed his forehead and felt his heart sink as Dexter tried to struggle away.

You've just confessed to wanting to murder part of me and you want me to not get upset? I thought you had feelings for him? I thought you cared, and you just want to kill him… You're just as bad as everyone else! "Let me go," Dexter slurred, trying to pull the IV out of the back of his hand. Foster yanked his free hand away and pinned him down to the bed.

"Dexter, stop it," the nurse whispered. Dexter struggled fitfully beneath him, and Foster knew he had to hide just how aroused the fight was making him. The last thing they needed right now was that kind of complication. "I'm sorry, okay. I didn't think it through. You're right, it's murder, and I don't want him gone."

Leave me alone.

"Dexter, please?" Foster nuzzled against him, praying he hadn't messed everything up. Dexter was completely still, refusing to respond. "I didn't really think," the nurse continued. "I just…I don't like that we have to do this," he gestured to the IV. "I don't like that my boyfriend has a jealous Mr Hyde who wants to hurt me every time I touch him."

Boyfriend? Did you just call me your boyfriend?

"Yes, I did," Foster whispered, kissing him gently. Dexter still didn't respond, and Foster wished he knew if that was because of the curare or if he was refusing to.

What about Gabriel, you sleep with him…don't you care about him at all?

"Dexter," Foster sighed, "I have feelings for him, but I can't…" He released the watchmaker's wrists and ran a hand through his hair. "It's not like us. Gabriel and I can never have a normal relationship…"

You really think we could?

"I hope so," Foster stroked his lover's face, gently. "We could if Gabriel didn't interfere all the time…"

And that's why you want me to murder him, so we can be together. You want me to choose between the two of you, and you just assume I'd choose you…

"No!" Foster punched the pillow, making Dexter flinch. "You're getting it all wrong," the nurse whispered. "I want to be able to be with you and not have to worry about him, but I don't want you to kill him. I need him too, I want him too. I guess I was thinking if you got fixed then I could have both of you rolled into one, I didn't realise it would mean losing you, either one of you let alone both." He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "I'm sorry I said anything, can we forget it?"

Dexter looked away, wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Please Dexter, please?" Foster nuzzled him gently.

What if I said no? What if I told you to let me go right this second?

"Don't," Foster whispered, kissing him. "Please don't say it, I'm sorry, I didn't think it through. Come on Dexter, you know I say things before I think them through…"

How do you feel about Gabriel?

"What kind of a question is that?"

One I want answering.

Foster ran his fingers through his hair, trying to think. It wasn't something he'd analysed; secretly afraid that if he looked too closely it would break.

Well?

"I'm thinking, Dexter," Foster growled at his lover, hating the way the other flinched but frustrated enough to enjoy it just a little. "Do you want some glib half thought out idea, or do you want to know how I really feel?"

I want to know how you feel, Dexter's voice was quiet, almost too quiet to hear.

"Are you going to tell Gabriel? What if I don't want him to know? Have you thought of that? I haven't got a clue how he feels, I don't know why he comes back for more even after I hurt him, and Dexter…I don't want to know."

What? Why wouldn't you…

"Because…" Foster raked his hand through his hair again and flung himself backwards onto the bed, landing beside Dexter. "If we look at it too closely we'll probably both wonder why we're putting ourselves through that shit, and I don't want to lose him. I know I need him, I know I want him, I know I'd miss him if he was gone and on some level I'm frightened for him whenever he's out of my sight. But I can't analyse the why, because maybe if I look too deep I'll realise it's just not worth it. And I'm scared he'll do the same. Please don't push Dexter, I don't know if the relationship can take it."

That's not a healthy relationship.

Foster laughed, a humourless noise that made Dexter feel a little sick. "I'm playing mind-fuck rape games with the man, I didn't think for a second it would be a healthy relationship." He slid his fingers down Dexter's thigh. "Until you came along I was happy with that, you made me want more. Made me think about psychiatrists and therapy and fixing you. But I can't fix you can I? Not without losing one of you, or both..." Foster propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at Dexter's face. "I didn't think it through Dexter, I don't want to lose either, can we forget I ever said anything, please?"

I don't know…I never forget anything remember?

Foster stroked his fingers up the deep scar in the centre of his lover's chest, making Dexter hiss with displeasure. The noise didn't stop Foster, he pushed harder, and for a second Dexter was scared, but then the nurse pulled away with an unreadable look in his eyes. Straining for control, Dexter tried to force himself onto his side so he could watch Foster carefully, but the drugs in his system were still too strong. He fought the sudden panic for a second, helplessness wasn't the hell for him that it was for Gabriel, but he still understood that fear.

Why did you do that? Hurt me like that?

"I don't know," Foster whispered. "I'm sorry." He stroked his fingers down Dexter's belly, caressing him, wondering how to explain that sudden urge to inflict pain. If I hurt you I'll have to look after you, and you won't be able to leave me, he thought. Then wondered where the hell that had come from; sometimes his own feelings scared him.

I don't understand why you do things without knowing the reason. Dexter's thought sounded petulant, Foster scooped him up and kissed him hungrily, not caring if he got a response or not this time.

"I do lots of things without a reason, or with a half-thought out reason, I figured you'd spotted that by now," the nurse whispered. Dexter relaxed in his arms, but he still couldn't be sure if it was the drugs or a genuine reaction. Sliding between Dexter's legs, he watched his lover's face carefully, looking for any sign that he wasn't welcome. Dexter watched him back, uncertain. Really Foster wanted to wait until the watchmaker was more in control, less under the influence of drugs, but right now he was too worried that Dexter would tell him to stop, tell him it was all over. Dexter didn't react, just watched as the nurse pushed his legs back, stroking fingers into the backs of his knees. Foster's thumb rubbed his asshole, exploring, Dexter keened despite himself, felt his hips buck a little to press down against the digit. He was still lubed from the previous fuck, Foster's cum making the way easier. The nurse's cock slid inside him with an ease that was almost disappointing, but the first buck of those slim hips hurt. And that was good, because if it didn't hurt just a little it didn't feel right. Foster buried himself inside, felt Dexter's legs clamp around him and relaxed. The watchmaker still wanted him, it was all okay, he hadn't fucked it all up by shooting his stupid mouth off. Gently, he pushed backwards until Dexter was forced hard against the headboard, sat in his lap. Dexter didn't complain, didn't move much, still under the influence of the curare, but his free arm slid weakly around Foster's neck, trying to hold himself steady.

"Do you want this?" Foster asked, praying the answer would be yes. Dexter hesitated, and Foster felt his heart twinge.

"Yes," Dexter whispered finally, refusing to look Foster in the eyes.

Foster grabbed him by the hips and held him flush to the wall, pressing into him hard. It made Dexter gasp, but he still wouldn't look at Foster.

"Look at me," Foster growled the words, starting to lose patience. Still Dexter refused. "Look at me or I won't do it." Dexter turned his face further away.

Stop then, if it means that little to you…

"Oh fuck, Dexter please," Foster nuzzled his face into the watchmaker's neck. He held still, not daring to move, he didn't want to continue and let Dexter win the battle of wills, but he couldn't face pulling free. Couldn't face the possibility that maybe Dexter didn't want this any more, that he'd fucked up and lost it. "Maybe," he said after a little while, "Maybe it's more important to me to be sure you want this than it is to just have it."

Maybe I don't care what you want? Maybe I just want to be fucked, maybe I just want to forget the world, lose myself in the moment… Maybe it doesn't matter to me who you are or what you want? Maybe I'll put out for anyone who shows an interest? Line them up, I'll take them all...

"Dexter, I don't believe that."

"You know what stops me?" Dexter slurred. "Gabriel, Gabriel stops me from being reckless, he stops me being self-destructive...and you want me to get rid of him?"

"No," Foster whispered, kissing the watchmaker roughly. He felt Dexter try to bite him, too weak from the drugs to break the skin, but the intent was definitely there. "Dexter, I love you. I don't want you to do anything that'll hurt you. It was a stupid," he kissed Dexter again gently, "Stupid idea. I wish I'd never said anything. If I could I'd travel back in time and tell myself to shut the fuck up before I ruin everything."

You love me?

"Yes, I don't know how it happened but I do…"

Look me in the face and say it.

Foster turned his lover's face gently around, stared him straight in the eyes. "I love you," he whispered.

You're a good liar, I almost believe you.

"Shit Dexter, what is wrong with you?" Foster lost his temper finally and yanked himself backwards, pulling his cock free and leaving the watchmaker to sprawl limply on the bed.

"And now you'll leave me," Dexter whispered, just like everybody else.

"No such luck I'm afraid," Foster snarled, pulling his pants on. "But I'm sure you're disappointed that I'm not playing into your fucked up little fantasies." He grabbed Dexter's wrist and removed the IV, holding a wad of cotton wool against the wound until it dried over. Dexter struggled fitfully, but the nurse was too strong for him. Deep down he felt Gabriel stir.

What the fuck is going on?

Stay out of it.

"I don't see why you're telling him to stay out of it now," Foster hissed, "He's controlling every moment of this fucked up relationship. Might as well be involved in the decisions as well."

Has he hurt you?

No.

Why are you upset?

Not now Gabriel!

"As far as I can tell," Foster snarled, pulling the watchmaker up but talking to the killer, "He's upset because I asked him to go to therapy and because I told him I love him. I can't deal with this."

Gabriel took over control of the body, coming to the front with a snarl. "Take it out on me then!"

"What?"

"You don't hurt him, you take the shit out on me, you take care of him. It's that fucking simple Foster."

"You can't be serious?"

"Beat the shit out of me if you have to, rape me, hurt me, I don't care, but you don't hurt him, you don't ever hurt 

him."

"Why would you do that? Offer yourself like that?"

"It's what I'm for," Gabriel snarled, Foster could see he was trying to raise himself up but failing miserably. He could also see the killer was scared, but defiant, so fucking defiant. For a brief moment he was tempted to take the killer up on the offer, beat the daylights out of him, pin him down and force him to submit to anything he could dream up. Relieve the frustrations he felt with his lover on his lover's other half. But no, another part of him was sickened by the very idea.

"The room's paid for till ten a.m." he spat instead, "The curare will have worn off by then, I'll come back and give you a lift home."

Don't fucking bother.

"You're in the middle of nowhere, Gabriel, I will fucking bother."

You treat all your dumpees this way?

"Gabriel, I will be at the warehouse on Wednesday, if you or Dexter don't show then I know you want it to be over for good. But don't put words in my mouth. I am too fucked up to deal with you or him right now, but that doesn't mean I'm ending it!" and with that he slammed out of the door, yanking his shirt over his head. He had cash enough for another room, or maybe he'd try another motel, but he needed to be away right now, before he did something he would regret.

Inside the room Gabriel pushed Dexter out to the front, knowing he personally was too disturbed by the sensation of curare running through his veins to be any real help when in control of the body. He listened carefully as the nurse left, splashing through puddles.

Dexter, what have you done?

I'm not going to see him any more…

What? Why?

Dexter gave him access to the memory, let him watch, analyse and dissect it. It seemed to take forever, he imagined he could feel the drugs dissipating out of his bloodstream as the killer pondered. Sure enough, a twitch of fingers made the sheets move long before Gabriel was done.

You stood up for me…

Of course I did, what did you think I was going to do?

I've not been sure recently, you were so quick to betray me…

Dexter felt the killer's embrace wrap around him, felt strong invisible fingers slide into his hair. He relaxed abruptly, he hadn't realised just how much he'd missed this touch, this contact, had Gabriel forgiven him?

It wasn't quick, you betrayed me first, with Sam, and then again with Peter. I wanted to let someone in close too…but we've just seen how that turned out.

I don't think he'd thought it through. Gabriel's voice was quiet.

You're defending him?

I think he was trying to do right by you, he just didn't think what the consequences would be for me. He did say he'd miss me…

And that's an excuse?

Weren't you even a little tempted?

There was a thoughtful pause. Maybe just a little, but I'd be lost without you…

Gabriel was silent, but Dexter felt the invisible touch slide down his back, exploring him gently. He crooned appreciatively and squirmed the way he knew Gabriel liked, offering himself. Gabriel took, ramming the force roughly past his sphincter and deep inside him. It made Dexter wail and shake, but he didn't fight, just kept still as Gabriel abused his body, working over his skin inside and out. The touch was familiar, right in ways that were too wrong to believe, it made him crave more and wish for the end all at once. Gabriel pounded into him, offering stimulation nobody else could match, gentle violence that was reserved for him alone. Strong invisible fingers knotted round his throat and choked off his air supply, allowing him just enough to stay conscious. He shuddered as he came, trusting Gabriel to hold him safe while he surrendered to the shivering pleasure that washed through him. Gabriel supported him gently, stroked his hair and skin and murmured nonsense in the echoing space of their own head.

I couldn't let anything happen to you. We can't see him any more, it needs to be just us two. Together forever, remember?

I want to see him again, Dexter.

You can't, it'll be just like before…

No it won't, you hated him before, you never did explain why.

"Same reason I'm going to hate him now," Dexter whispered. He'll hurt you. You've fallen for him like you did last time, and none of them love you back, you're just a…a…fuck buddy to them. It hurts to watch you set yourself up to be broken, I can't watch it again Gabriel, I just can't…

I won't let him hurt me Dexter.

You know what I mean…

We know two things now, one, he cares about you. I can live with that, I'm happy you have someone to look after you if anything happens to me. I'm jealous, and I'm going to rip his face off tomorrow morning, but I'm happy you're safe…

What's the second thing? Dexter asked, trying not to think too hard about what the killer had just said.

He does care about me some…

Carefully, Dexter slid behind Gabriel, pushing the killer out to take control of the body. Once in place he slid his own invisible embrace around Gabriel's pale form, gently caressing his skin, trying to offer as much comfort as he could. Gabriel relaxed shuddering into his arms.

"Don't stop seeing him because of this," Gabriel whispered, "I'm not going to."

He'll hurt you…

Everybody does, even you, why should he be different?

Dexter didn't reply, just tightened his grip, stroking the killer gently until he was certain his other half was calm.

Maybe he wouldn't hurt you if he knew how you really felt about him…

You tell him and I really will kill you. 

Dexter stroked Gabriel's back silently, keeping his thoughts to himself. Just telling Foster how Gabriel felt wouldn't be enough, he needed to show him, and he needed to time it just right, wait until Foster was in a mood to listen… But with careful planning and opportunity, maybe he could get the nurse to see, to understand.

I'll see him again, Dexter thought quietly, careful that Gabriel didn't hear, I'll be with him, I'll make it work. And I'll work out how to show him how you feel, then you won't be hurt anymore. I'll keep you safe…we have to take care of each other, you and me. He stroked Gabriel's leg as the killer went to work on the handcuff attaching him to the bed, oblivious to Dexter's inner monologue. And if he still hurts you then...we'll kill him, together.