I'm alive and dying...and I got a new shrink (one I haven't slept with...yet)

Well the good news is that I'm alive. The bad news is I had some tests done today that confirmed that I am dying. I am still supposed to go to treatment though. They said that it would be a miracle if I lived through the week. My tumor is getting bigger and I can't do anything about it. It really sucks.

I couldn't drive to the hospital and I certainly couldn't ride the bus so I called 911. I got to the hospital quickly so that's a plus. They gave me some drugs to help me sleep and said that they would get a neurosurgeon to look at it. I fell asleep at last.

I woke up. I guess they did an MRI while I was sleeping. I don't remember it at all but the nurse said I was awake. I have a Glioblastoma tumor, the survival rate for this type of tumor is 13 percent. I had radiation therapy today as well.

I can't think straight so if you can read this thank autocorrect.

I don't know where Daniel is or when he's coming back. I think I'm going to go to my moms house today if I start feeling better. My ferret died...I'm not sure how...probably from the stench. My apartment wasn't exactly in the greatest condition.

I can't walk or talk right now I hardly can think. I tried to stand up again but no luck so far. I tipped over a bunch of chairs. Where's a blasted wheelchair? I leaned against the wall and managed to open the door. I was in my apartment building...how the hell did I get here??? I am confused and tired. Tired of not being able to do anything for myself or anything at all.

I have no feeling in my legs or arms. The bulge on my head is getting bigger. I have a extremely bad headache. I'm breathing really heavily for no apparent reason. My eyes are still dilated and one of them is light blue and the other is really dark brown it looks retarded. Since I had radiation today I hardly have any hair. I'm really hungry and I want to take off this dumb bandage that's around my ribs but it hurts when I move. I can't talk and I'm losing my vision rapidly.

Even if I do survive the treatment they're only giving me two more years to live...what am I supposed to do with two years? They said I should keep my room really hot so the tumor is more vulnerable to the radiation therapy. So my room is about 80 degrees and I am drenched in sweat. At least I don't have to stay at the hospital.

I got up and puked again. Where the hell is Daniel? I grabbed the phone and called him...I quickly remembered that I can't talk and hung up.

So I am alone once again...in the end I'm always alone. I got up and balanced myself. I walked to the kitchen. I looked in the fridge...mustard. I dug through my cupboards and found some pudding cups. I like pudding. I ate about twenty pudding cups and fell asleep on the floor.

I woke up and crawled to the living room. I laid on the floor and turned on the TV. Yay Heroes was in the DVD player. I like Heroes. I got season four for Christmas from my foster sister...I don't remember which one....I think it was from Matilda but it could have been from Ava or maybe Lola...no wait....Lola was a lady who owned a club I used to work at...so I obviously don't have a clue what their names our or who gave it to me.

I crawled onto the couch. I reached for the remote but I lost balance and fell on my face...if I could say anything I'd be swearing up a storm. I grabbed the remote angrily and laid back down on the couch. I kept hitting the wrong buttons. I got frustrated and threw it...it shattered into a gazillion pieces. I crawled to the TV and hit play. It was the episode where Sylar emerges out of Nathan and Peter beats the shit out of Sylar until Nathan came again. Then Peter has to let go of Nathan who is dangling off the side of a building...it is quite the show.

About half way into the episode I was having trouble understanding what they were saying. Normally when this happens I just turn on the subtitles but of course I am seeing double which makes any kind of reading almost impossible.

I got up carefully and walked super slowly towards the TV and turned it off. I walked sort of sideways to the cupboards I grabbed some jello cups and a spoon. I don't know why but I really like pudding and jello.

I walked ever so carefully to the couch again. I tried to think about something other then dying while I ate my jello.

Knock knock knock knock....

"Gabriel? Are you home?"

"Is opppen," I sort of said.

"Are you ok?"

"Nnno."

He opened the door and plugged his nose.

"What happened?"

"It's back."

"The cancer?"

"The tttumorr."

"I'm really really sorry I wasn't here last night but I got held up at work."

I likely story. I bet he was at a club somewhere. What kind of a barbershop stays open that late at night. Maybe he's doing his boss...? I don't know but I'm sure he wasn't working...I guess it could be considered work....maybe.

"Dddid you bbbring annything to eat?"

"Yep, I got loads of unhealthy stuff to chomp on."

"Dddaniel..." I wasn't sure how to tell him, but I knew I had to.

"What Gabriel?"

"I'm dddying." I breathed heavily. I was glad that I told him.

He was speechless. I held back my stuttering for a little bit so I could sound more serious.

"The ddoctors say I hhave abbout a wwweek."

He rushed over to me and gave me a really tight hug. He sat there crying on my shoulder for awhile.

"I'll clean up the mess you get some rest." He sniffled.

"I'll tttry."

He kept crying. I fell asleep for a couple minutes.

Someone was shaking my shoulder.

"Gabriel wake up..."

It was Daniel. I sat up and looked around I felt like a rabbit poking its head out of it's hole and then....SNAP...you're trapped. There were all my sisters and brothers...staring at me.

"Hhhi." I was shocked.

"Wwwhy are ttthey here?" I whispered to Daniel.

"They want you to know they're here for you no matter what."

I looked like hell and he invites all my foster family over...thanks Daniel thanks.

I was dizzy and tired...

"Gabriel wake up...come on...wake up! Wake up!"

Daniel was shaking me.

"Dude what do you want?" Huh...no stuttering.

"It's like twelve."

"So what?"

"So it's time to eat."

"Let's go out to eat."

"Are you sure you're up for it?"

"Yep."

I stood up and felt a little dizzy but not much. I walked to the bathroom and got what little hair I have left combed.

"Where do you want to go?"

I walked to my room and changed out of my sweaty clothes and into nice clean clothes.

"Panda Express."

I like Panda Express a lot. I went back to the living room.

"You ready?"

"Yep."

He grabbed his keys.

"Just wait I forgot my socks."

"Socks would be nice."

I ran to my room and pulled some socks and shoes on.

"Now I'm ready."

"Good."

I walked outside. I was feeling a lot better my arm was still tingling and I still had a headache but it wasn't so bad. The fresh air felt so good. I think personality changes is one of the side effects that last even when the tumor is gone. I'm kind of hoping it is...cause I'm feeling great.

He drove to the Panda Express. We sat down inside.

"Man, I'm starving." I looked at a menu.

"What can I get you?" A waitress asked.

I ordered and then Daniel ordered.

I stared out the window until our food came.

"Dana...that's a pretty name." I said.

She put our food on the table.

"Thank you. Can I get you boys anything else?"

"I can think of a few things, but I don't think they're on the menu." I said slyly.

"That's a no." Daniel said.

She walked away.

We started eating.

"I'm clearly having withdrawals." If you haven't caught on yet...I'm addicted to sex.

"I can tell."

"What does the doctor prescribe?"

"You really need to stop."

"Stop what?"

"You're so addicted its not even funny."

"I can't help it. I get urges just like everybody else."

"Yeah but everyone else deals with it instead of giving into it all the time."

"I do not give in all the time. Just most of the time."

"You should see a shrink."

He was serious...I thought we were just joking around.

"Well I was seeing one but I slept with him and then Amber broke up with me because apparently my shrink was her dad and he was stupid enough to tell her about our happenstance."

"You're really messed up."

"A lot of people say that about me, my mom, Amber, Kevin, Alice, Ava, Lola, Samuel, my doctor, Mario, Matilda, Avery, my dad, Eva, Grace, Angel, Angelina, Ben, Jake, Luke, Drake, Nash, Carl, Keelee, Relene, Roxy, Trixie, Max, Kyle, Peter, Sam, and a bunch of others, but I never thought I'd see the day when you'd say that."

"Well believe it."

"I just know what I want and how to get it."

"Whatever dude."

I was almost finished eating but Daniel had tons left to eat. I finished eating, threw away my trash and washed my hands. Daniel had just finished when I got back. I threw away his trash and he washed his hands. We left in silence.

We were almost to Daniel's house.

"I don't understand. How am I anymore messed up then everyone else? So every once in awhile I act on my urges...so what?"

"You'll never get enough of it. It'll eat away at your soul."

"Fine I'll see a damn shrink."

"We have to be there by 3 so we got about an hour too kill."

I was going to say something related to my issues but I decided not to cause reason for further alarm.

"You have this all figured out, don't you?" I said.

"Yep."

I thought about me dying again...I'm not afraid of dying...I'm just afraid I'll die alone.

Then I thought about why I was addicted to sex. I crave connection with other humans and sex seems like the way to go...it's about the only time people truly enjoy my company.

So we drove to Daniels house and I read a book about people like me...it's kind of helpful knowing that there are others like me.

"Hey Daniel."

"What?"

"It says here that I am supposed to try to be emotional. What do they mean by emotional?"

"They probably mean like expressing how you feel about stuff."

"Oh, well I hate shrinks...like that?"

"Yeh I guess so. Are you ready to go?"

"About as ready as I'm going to be."

"Let's go then."

I grabbed my book, pulled on my shoes, and got in the car.

"To the shrink!!" I said triumphantly.

And we were off.

"What's my new shrinks name?"

"Gwen."

"So it's a girl shrink?"

"What do you think?"

"Yeh."

"Bravo, all hail Gabriel The Genius."

The building appeared to be a house as well. I walked to the front steps.

Ding dong! Ding dong!

A woman with impressive sneakers answered the door.

"Oh hi and you must be?"

She was carrying quite the load of books and files.

"Oh, I'm Gabriel. Let me help you with that." I grabbed the stack.

"Where should I put them?" I asked.

"Right there on the desk."

"Okay."

I set them down on the desk.

"Hi I'm Gwen." She held out her hand.

"I'm Gabriel." I shook her hand.

"Alright Gabriel have a seat. Any where's fine."

I sat down in a lazyboy. She sat down behind a huge desk.

"So let's start out with the basics. What's your full name?"

"Gabriel Dexter Jaro."

"Oh so your Daniel's friend."

"That's me."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty three."

"What's your favorite color?"

"Red."

"Favorite movie?"

"Don't have one."

"Favorite show?"

"Heroes."

"Favorite book?"

"Out of My Mind."

"Family members?"

"Biological family or foster family?"

"Biological first then foster family."

"My mom, my dad and Eden."

"How old is Eden?"

"She was seven when she was murdered."

She scribbled some shit down.

"Are your parents living?"

"Nope."

"How did they die?"

"My mom died while at work and I shot my father."

"Why did you shoot him?"

"Because he kept beating me and mom, he'd drown me, starve me, whip me, punch me, and rape me every night."

She scribble some more shit down.

"Foster family?"

"Five sisters, two brothers, and a mom and dad."

"Names?"

"Ummm...Ava, Alice, Angel, Angelina, and Matilda. Mario and Max."

"Friends?"

"Daniel, Kyle, and Peter."

"Schooling?"

"Public school."

"Why did you come today?"

"Because Daniel says I should."

"Why does he think that?"

"Because I'm addicted to sex."

"Do you think your addicted to sex?"

"Not really. I think of it as a way to provide sleep."

"Have you tried sleeping pills?"

"I've tried everything."

"We could try treating it using other methods or we could just talk about it, it's up to you. What do you think?"

"Other methods."

"Great we'll start tomorrow."

"Goodbye!" I yelled before running out the door.

The first of many visits.

I have radiation tomorrow so I need to get some rest...goodnight...actually good morning!