Easter.

My half brother seems to have missed me, and I have missed him as well.

I got three hours of sleep. I woke up at 5:26 AM.

"Where are you going at this hour?"

He groaned to a higher state of consciousness.

"Do you recall the last time I visited?"

"It was a long time ago." Meaning he did not.

He rubbed his eyes.

"Well, when I came then I got to sing for your mother's church."

"You don't have to." He kissed me.

"I am aware of this. Although your mother finds it pleasing, and I must make an effort to please her."

"Why are you like that?"

"Like what?" I was clueless as usual.

"Always out to please everyone."

"I am not out to please everyone. Just those who I think should matter."

He smiled. "I still think you should stay."

"Why?"

Once again the 'Actions speak louder then words' saying overruled.

He kissed me possessively.

I tensed up under the sudden contact.

"I r-really need to get ready."

"Oh come on Gabriel, loosen up."

"No! You loosen up!" I was angry.

The never ending cycle has begun

I shoved him hard against the wall. Pinning him to it. I loosened my grip, let go, and returned to the bed.

"G-Gabriel?" The room was pitch black still.

Mood changes had taken place.

"I am here." I went over to him grabbed his hand and placed it over my heart.

"...you." He mumbled something.

I was at the brink of an attack. I had a death grip on his shoulders. Shaking like mad.

"Why are you doing that?"

"Ccertainly nnnot because I wwant to."

"Oh." He said. "Are you well?"

"Does it look like I'm well?!"

Gosh people. I am well...Just wait a minute...while I shake to death.

No, I am not fucking well.

I was weak. So I laid down on the bed. Trembling and then......Samuel had grabbed my cock at the base.

"Good god man!" I breathed heavily. "The least you could do is warn me beforehand." I choked on the last few words.

"I want you to stay." He loosened his grip.

"I do not wish to displease your mother."

"My mom's dead Gabriel."

"Seriously?" I was completely unaware of this fact. Left out of the circle as per usual.

"Yeah, she died last year."

"Oh, I am...I am sorry."

"It's okay."

It sure as hell didn't seem like it was.

"I'll stay."

"No...no you go."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I know how much you like to sing."

It was true ever since I was little I have found singing pleasurable. I use to whistle a lot because my father didn't like my voice.

"Thanks."

I showered (not unaccompanied might I add), changed into a polo shirt and chucked on a tie. I like ties. I then pulled on some black jeans and put on my glasses (I need them again cause the pills have far too many side effects).

The people at church are real gossips.

"I heard he was abused."

"His sexual interactions are anything but god fairing."

"I don't think god could save a man so troubled."

"I heard he was shacking up with his boyfriend."

And they almost always say this shit when I'm in hearing range.

"That's not what I heard," the one would contradict, "I heard he was staying at an institution."

I turned around in my seat, facing my opposers.

"Let's put these rumors to rest, shall we?," I started, trying to think of a 'Christian' way of saying shut your fucking trap, "Everybody knows I was abused. I don't care if I'm 'god fairing' or not. I'm not 'shacking up' with anyone. I don't live in an institution. I live at a friends house, and no I have not been fucking her." I paused. "And you're right, god couldn't save me if he tried."

That made me feel better. And they kept their big mouths shut.

I went on stage. Aside from the occasional stutter my voice is presentable. Some say the best in the congregation, but I wouldn't go that far.

I sang "You Found Me" by I have no clue who...I think they're called The Frey...but once again I'm not sure.

People clapped.

I sat down.

The sermon began. Blah blah blah. I blocked out all their petty talk of forgiveness and love.

The sermon ended.

I walked out of the chapel.

Someone ran after me.

"Hey dude!" He shouted. "Where are you going?"

I buttoned my jacket.

"Somewhere..." I thought. "Somewhere...better."

"Can I come?"

"I..." I didn't know what to say. "I do not think your parents would approve of such actions."

"I'm twenty." He looked more like seventeen.

"No." I said plainly.

"Why not?" You could tell he was disappointed by the look on his face. You can tell when a person has been rejected one too many times in their life, and he was one of those people.

"Because I do not know you and you do not know me."

"I know you. You're Samuel's brother."

"Half brother." I corrected. I recalled a conversation me and Samuel had, "You must be Xavier." I had heard about this kid. Making trouble in church, going to loads of parties, getting drunk, doing drugs, and similar activities.

"That's me all right."

"I suppose you can accompany me."

He followed me to my white rental car. He hopped in as soon as I unlocked it...he acted as though I would just jump in and take off.

I started the car.

It was unusually quiet.

"How do you know Samuel?" I started the conversation as normal as I could manage.

"We play video games a lot."

"I see. Have you played any Tekken games?"

"Nope. Isn't that stuff a bit outdated?"

Outdated?

I'm sure he's played pacman.

"No."

"Where are we going anyways?"

"Samuel's place of residence."

"Why?"

"Because he is in need of a ride."

"Doesn't he have his own car?"

"Yes. But he is not suitable to drive at present."

"Neither are you. I'm the only legal one here."

"You are anything but legal."

"I'm twenty."

"And I am twenty-three, it doesn't make me any more or less capable of driving."

"You're twenty-three?" He didn't believe me.

"Yes, I am twenty-three." And way more experienced in the ways of the world, I wanted to add.

He reached for the radio.

"Computer, return to my most frequented playlist." It did as I had requested, "Play."

Hollywood Undead blared through the speakers. It was a bit loud.

"Volume level seven."

"Holy shit. You can tell it what to do?" He said in amazement.

"I have not completed its programming entirely," I said, "Although when put into consideration what little time I have spent on it, it's astonishing what it can accomplish."

"Wow."

"You are at Samuel's house Mister Gabriel, have you completed your journey?" The automated voice said.

"Yes. You may rest easy now."

"We have arrived Mister Xavier. You may come in if you wish."

"Sure."

I didn't bother to knock.

"Sam?" I looked around the room.

"I'm in the bedroom."

"Do you wish to come with me or would you prefer waiting at the door?" I directed towards Xavier.

"I guess I'll follow you."

I opened the door to the bedroom. Samuel had been drinking again.

"Gabriel?" He said. "Is that you?"

"Yeah it's me." I figured I should tell him he had a guest. "Xavier is here as well."

"That's nice."

"Do you wish to leave the house for awhile?"

"Yeah."

"Come on." I gestured towards the door.

"Let me get some different clothes on." I hadn't realized he was in his boxers.

"That would be acceptable." I closed the door. Giving him some privacy.

"Has Samuel been ok?" I asked Xavier.

"I guess so. He's been dying for you to come visit though."

"Why didn't he just come visit me?"

"He said somethin' 'bout you gettin' sick."

"I see." He must have been referring to my panic attacks. "He should not have been so worried. My panic attacks are every bit worth his visiting."

"He says you hate him."

"Now now now Xavier," I scolded, "Hate is a strong word. I would consider it to be our different viewpoints that I dislike, but I am far beyond that now."

"Different viewpoints?"

Could he take any longer to change.

"Yes. He thinks that I had a delightful time with our father while he was abandoned. He assumes that all my time spent with our father was great. When in fact I cannot recall one good memory of him. Our father was..." I realized what I had said. "Why am I telling you this?"

"I guess you just need to get it off your chest."

"Presumably so."

"What was your father like?"

I figured he had been told some out of character tales about the man.

"He was a bitch and I was his little bitch." Yep. That's all I was going to say on the matter.

"I see." He said. "Can I see?"

Somehow he had got his hands up my shirt and on my back without me noticing.

"That would be...acceptable." I wasn't about to put up a fight over something so...normal.

He took off my shirt.

"You're beautiful."

"Thanks," I said. "I guess."

"No really. You're beautiful." He was somewhat scientific in his observations of my bruises and scars.

I stood there for quite some time. Wondering how much longer he was going to take changing.

I tried not to squirm, but he sure did make it hard. Barely grazing my skin.

"I'm going to see what's taking him so long."

"So soon?"

"So soon???" I said back, "He's been in there for ten minutes at least."

"Be patient."

I am so sick and tired of hearing that...'Be patient'.

"I have been far too patient for far too long." I burst into the room.

He wasn't changing. He was lying face down in the middle of the room.

"Gabri..." He lifted his head and puked.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

So the day was spent drinking, playing video games, getting high, and eating junk food.


March 31st, 2013.


Gabriel