Foster is dead. I killed him. (I'm sick...what else is new?)

The medical trials have begun and I must say I don't like the way it is turning out. I am becoming extremely aggressive and apathetic. It pains me when I lash out in front of Foster.

I don't want to take these damn pills anymore. I am causing more harm with them then I was without them. Yesterday I let Dexter out to see how the drugs were effecting him...the result was not in the least bit pleasant. I didn't think he would hurt Foster. But I was wrong and I will suffer through whatever punishment Foster sees fit.

I knocked quietly on Foster's door.

"Foster?" I whispered.

"Gabriel, now's not the time."

He opened the door a crack so I could understand what he was mumbling.

"I-I'm sorry."

"I know, I just...I just need some time."

"Please. Don't leave me."

"I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to."

"Do you?"

He opened the door a little wider. His body battered and bruised.

An all too familiar feeling of shame coursed through me.

"I love you Gabriel, and I don't ever want to leave you, but right now I just need some time alone."

I placed my hands gently on his bruised face and looked in his eyes, "I will leave you alone because I care about you and I want you to be happy. With or without me."

I turned around to return to my apartment.

"No, don't, don't leave. Stay here with me." He opened the door for me to come in. I just stood there, puzzled by his display of, well, trust.

"You gonna come in or what?"

I entered. Still baffled by the level of trust he was allowing me.

"You...you mean you aren't going to punish me?"

"What?? Punish you?"

"Well, I-"

"I'm not going to punish you." He said sternly.

I continued to argue my case. "But I have caused you harm."

"I'll be fine." I ran my fingers thoughtfully along his bite marks, scratch marks, cuts, and bruises, looking at the floor. There was no way I didn't deserve to be punished.

"No. You won't be. I won't be."

"I know you're sorry, ."

"That's not enough. I'm not enough." I looked frustratedly at the door, taking a moment to contemplate escaping this, escaping everything, the weird feelings, thoughts, dreams, situations, everything.

"Why don't you think you're good enough?" He didn't give me time to respond before continuing, "I love you." He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my forehead. Our lips were almost touching when he spoke again, "You're staying."

I backed away from him, ramming into the side table. "No. I cannot stay here. The blow to your head must have clouded your better judgement."

"Gabriel," he rested his hands on my face, forcing me to maintain eye contact, "I want you to stay."

"Why?" My eyes focused on a stain in the otherwise blue carpet.

He grabbed my hands. "Because I need you."

"I need to be punished for what I have done to you," I said guiltily, "Without punishment there is no line between good and evil." I moved briskly towards the door.

He pushed me clear of the path to the doorway. "You're not going anywhere."

"I...I ccan't stay."

"You can and you will."

I pushed Dexter out.

"Gabriel?!" Dexter was surprised to see that I had taken him out of his safe haven. Hahaha! That little bitch can fight his own battles.

"Dexter?" Foster was equally surprised.

"I...I am sorry Foster. I'm sorry for everything...it was a mistake to come in." He practically flew out the door.

"Dexter come back! Dexter?!" He rushed out the door after his fleeing victim.

Dexter closed the door and locked it swiftly behind him. He drug me to the surface. I already regretted giving Foster a key.

"I'm coming in Gabriel!" He shouted from the hallway.

"Please don't. I don't want to hurt you anymore." I stumbled around trying to regain my balance.

"Gabriel, it was an accident, accidents happen."

"No it wasn't...I did it on purpose. I'm a freak!!!" I tripped over an abandoned shoe. The rage was boiling in me now.

"I don't think so."

I regained my composure before stating, quite plainly, "I will kill you."

That got his attention. "What?!"

"I don't want to though, so go away!"

"Are you going to be okay?" His voice was flowing with concern and that made me extremely frustrated.

"Not unless you go away, okay? I need you to leave, Foster. Leave me, forever. I'm better off being alone." I don't honestly believe a word of what I just said. Many health professionals have said that people of my instability are better off alone, but I don't believe it...I don't want to believe it.

"Why?! What's going on? Are you hurt? Should I call the hospital?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that. I..." I fought back the tears that were gathering in my eyes as I crawled across the floor into what I assumed was the bedroom. "I can't see you."

"I'm coming in." He hurriedly unlocked the door, bursted into the living room, searching frantically for any sign of me.

"Where are you?? Are you okay?"

I leaned bodily against the wall, I had lost all the energy required to crawl.

"I'm...ka the...in our bedroom." I couldn't keep it together any longer, I burst into tears. I wanted to kick myself for saying 'our'.

He settled down beside me on the floor, placing my hand in his. Then he whispered, quiet and intimate, "Are you ok?"

"N-no." I retracted my hand and rubbed my eye.

He nuzzled in my hair. "What happened?"

"I-I don't know."

"Can you see anything, anything at all?"

"You....you're dead."

"I'm dead??"

"It's my fault. It's all my fault." Another flood of tears flowed freely through my unwilling eyes, burying my face in my hands. "I did it."

"What did you do?" He whispered into my hair.

"I'm the reason you're dead."

"Gabriel, I'm not dead, I'm right here."

"But I can't see you. You're dead."

"Gabriel, I'm not dead, I'm perfectly fine."

"LIAR!" I screamed. "All you do is lie to me! You aren't real!!" I scrambled across the floor, escaping his reach. "You're dead!! I killed you!!!!"

"Gabriel, it's going to be ok." He sat beside me again, resting a hand on my shoulder. "You just need to calm down."

"NO!!!" I pushed his arm roughly away from me. "You aren't real! You're a liar!! You're dead!! I! KILLED!!! YOU!!!!!" I screamed as loud as I could, not stopping to catch my breath. I curled up on the floor, shaking violently.

"Shhhhh...it's okay, I'm not dead." He wrapped his arms tightly around me, rubbing my back in a circular motion, "It's alright, everything's going to be alright."

I leaned into the contact, resting my head on his shoulder. "I...mm...sssss....orowy." I said quietly (and rather incoherently) into his chest.

He rested his head on mine, breathing long shuddering breathes into my hair, "I know."

"I don't w-want to kill you again." I breathed heavily.

"Shhhhh...it's okay. You aren't going to kill me. I'm fine."

I stayed there, gathering the strength necessary to respond.

"N-nno. You're not 'fine'. You're dead!" I shoved him maliciously away from me, his body slammed against the bed. The shaking that had nearly ceased returned in fearful shudders.

I stood up, making my way to the door, leaning against the frame. "You are dead." My voice was barely a whisper. "I killed you."

"Gabriel..." He whimpered.

I turned to face him. "What do you want now??"

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah and I'm sick. What else is new?"


Gabriel.